Episode 59 Goal Setting and Dating App

Online dating is becoming more common. People's perceptions toward online dating also have evolved. It has now become a more generally acceptable way of meeting people. From a pure scientific point of view, it can be more efficient approach in meeting the right person. 

The Knot surveyed more than 14,000 engaged or recently married individuals and reported that 19% of brides said they met their spouses online, increased from 5% in 2015. (source)

However, there are still lots of frustrations in dating. I have been there, too. 

At one point, I was even entertained by the frustrations "Every time, the case is impossible for a different reason. Things don't work out for a different reason. Now I am really curious what the next reason of 'failure' will be... "

This blog is about in this era of data-driven dating, how setting third-level goals might help in finding the right person. Plus a personal tip at the end.

. . .

“People don’t download dating apps because they are perfectly happy. They use dating apps because they are trying to achieve something. What’s the thing that you want to achieve?”

Sometimes, our goals are buried under our feelings. “I feel bored.” “I feel lonely.” “(social pressure) I feel like I should get married / have a boyfriend / girlfriend because people around me all do.”

Surface-level goals: These goals are directly based on feelings, such as 

“To feel less bored.”

“To feel less lonely.”

“Just to be married.” 

They are usually not constructive.

Why? Because these kind of goals do not provide enough clarity, to guide you to make an action plan. A quote from Deep Work: “Most of the time, the reason why you can’t get things done, is that you have confused ‘knowing what to do’ and ‘knowing how to do it.’ You think you know what to do and how to do it. But in reality, not knowing how to do it is (so that can't make an action plan) why you don’t get things done.”

. . .

Second-level goals: These goals are what you think can solve the Surface-level goals. Such as 

“To have interesting people to do interesting things with.”

“Find a person to grow together.”

These goals are better. They are action-oriented. If you are lucky, you might be able to meet the one. But these goals can also be problematic.

Why? Because they are purely focused on “What I need/want”. They do not include “What I can and want to contribute, to a relationship or to my partner”


A goal like this can leave one confused or lost. You might have some of the following experiences: “Everybody seems less interesting after two or three months...”

“Why he/she stopped making effort?”

“I have no idea where my relationship is going.”

“He/she ghosted me...”

The reasons of these experiences are: if each side of the relationship is thinking about “What I need or want”, and the two people don’t think and communicate about “What do I offer”, the good times in the first two to three months can just be an illusion, false positive. 

AA and BB were 

(1) judging “Whether what I think you are is what I want or need.”, then 

(2) behave based on the answer to (1), and 

(3) being judged by his/her behavior. The loop can go upward or downward spiral.

Unfortunately, downward is much more often than upward.

. . .

Third-level goals: These goals are thought-out goals, with both what you want to get and what you want to contribute. Such as 

“I want to find a life partner who inspires me and likes to be inspired by me.”

“I want to find someone who share my belief and endeavor in making impossible things happen”

. . .

I am no where close to a "dating expert", but I have one tip belong to third level goal that has worked well. At least, I rarely have boring, draining, or bad first date.

The tip: I put the link to my blog (which tells a lot about what I do, value, and may contribute to a relationship) in my profile, plus a description "I am very transparent both in-person and in my blog. Please read. If you don't like my blog, you are probably not going to like me."

I put the link out there because I am lazy... I prefer not to spend energy in chatting with people who haven't already connect with my value. So I make other people self filter :-P

. . .

Does it help? 

If yes, what’s your third level goal?

You may not have a blog, or you may not feel as comfortable putting it out there. What's a way to communicate your third level goal?

Thank you for your attention.