Episode 56 How Many Lives Have You Lived?

On my way to work on April 6th, I listened to a podcast. It is an interview with Vanessa Van Edwards, the author of Captivate. It described her way to have dazzling conversations in a networking setting:

"It is not about how to impress other people, but how to give other people opportunities to impress you."

"A good conversation creates sense of belongings - you make them feel that they belong to you, and you belong to them. Examples are: you share some common experiences; you show that you care about what they care about, by asking thoughtful questions. Their book, their business, their pets, etc. "

Vanessa also introduced a fun trick, "Go on a 'No what do you do question' diet. " You don't ask these routine questions that let people go on autopilot. Instead, you ask more thoughtful questions, the purpose is to create sense of belongings.

***

It was enlightening to me! 

First, I realized networking is something that many people do not naturally enjoy. It is true not just to foreigners like me. It is true in a much broader context. 

Second, what defines me today, what people who like me like about – being able to ask thoughtful questions - which is in my performance review, in the email from my skip level (i.e. my manager's manager), in my birthday cards from close friends, in my Impact Award at my graduation from MBA. 

I realized that what defines me today, is not at all a feature in me three years ago before moving to the US. What happened?

***

Here is why.

When I network with local people, not only I feel uncomfortable and anxious, they also feel uncomfortable and anxious: because of my accent or background, they are unsure if we have things to talk about, if they will like me and I will like them.

Local people don't *have to* overcome the barrier, to break the ice, to build a real connection with me - they already have a network here. But I need to start everything from scratch. So in order to survive, I'd better build the connection, I'd better break the barrier, I'd better learn to overcome my anxiety, I'd better learn to help others overcome their anxiety, too.

And that is how I started asking thoughtful questions and become better at it.
And that is how moving to America reinvented me.
And this is my second life.

***

There are always chance to reinvent yourself, especially if you have a very specific pain-point. For someone who is insecure about her body shape, losing/gaining weight can be the trigger. For someone who is insecure about the loss of his hair, getting hair implantation can be the trigger.

But remember, pain-points are only triggers. You also have to know where you want to go. It does not have to be crystal clear from day one - and if that's the case, holding on to the thought of "This is an opportunity for me to reinvent myself. In what way do I want to reinvent?"

***

Today is the 972nd day since I came to the states. I am deeply grateful for the adventure.

I also understand that not everybody wants and needs an reinvention. So if that's the case, I will leave you two more questions from this podcast. Let these people and places be with you, inspire you, more often. It will help you be the best of your current version.

"Who are the people who trigger the best version of yourself? 

Where are the places that trigger the best version of yourself?"

Thank you for reading, my friends. How many lives have you lived?

I hope a sense of belonging, a fulfilling purpose be with you.