Episode 15 Small Talk... And Then?
This is a speech I delivered in the University of Chicago Booth School of Business when I lived in the US for the first 6 months. I designed a social experiment related to small talk, and was pleasantly surprised by the results. The speech presented the results and insights. It received a standing ovation at the end.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0V2VQZWWdY
Transcript as below:
1. Let me ask 2 questions: Who here genuinely enjoy small talk? Please raise your hand. Who here is like me: sometimes not sure what should come after small talk?
2. Today my topic is about: what could happen after small talk
3. When I arrived at Booth, I was taught how to make small talk. They say people ask “how are you doing”, they expect a 10 second answer. They say when you don’t know what to talk about, talk about the weather. I worked hard and almost become a weather expert.
4. But recently, I feel there’s sth wrong. I feel sad that I still only know my classmates career goal, what classes they take, and what they’ll do in spring break. I want to know more about my classmates and have deeper connections.
5. Gradually, I became sick of small talk. So, very often, I just don’t talk.
6. That was until in Entrepreneurial Selling class, when Prof Craig Wortmann said, “What questions you ask define the outcome you’ll achieve.” I was inspired: if I don’t like the conversations I have, why not initiate a change myself?
7. So, after brief small talks, I started to ask a big, awkward question. What follows simply blew me away. I gained amazing conversations and friends, though at the cost of being weird. My friends said, no worries Gloria, you already has this reputation.
8. So what the heck is this question? The question is: What are you trying to achieve today and how can I help you? Today I want to share with you three stories.
9. The first story is about Susan. We met on metra, knew we are both first years, so said hi and sat together. After this question, she was interested and overwhelmed. After a while Susan said, “I am trying to relax.”
10. Did Susan mean, “Leave me alone, I don’t want to talk to you?” I didn’t know. Right at that moment, whatever Susan needs, I just want to help her.
11. I said, “Got you. But let me guess, you are actually not trying to relax. You are trying to get a job. You are trying to relax now because you want to be better at getting a job.” Susan said, “Wholly shit! You are dame right.” Then, I shared how I manage stress: instead of doing nothing, more effective way is to concentrate on sth else. For me it’s writing blogs. And I shared how blogging got me into Booth and got me an internship offer. Susan said, “Fascinating story! Fascinating question! We should do it more!”
12. The second story is about Tom. I met Tom early in the morning when we came out of the interview center. Then I went to the café by myself.
13. Half an hour later, I was eating a banana catching up on email when Tom entered the café. We saw each other. He then came over and sat down with me. We’ve done with our small talk. I felt in the air that we were both thinking about what to talk about. So, I broke the ice by asking that question.
14. His said, “Hum, interesting question.” I know, interesting in America is usually negative. But I didn’t care at that moment. I just wanted to help my classmate. And he said this afternoon he was interviewing with his dream company ABC, and I can help by commenting on his “Why company”. We did. It was constructive.
15. After that, Tom said, it’s your turn now. I said, this afternoon I am also interviewing with my dream Company XYZ.” I haven’t finished yet, Tom said, “Really? My fiancé worked there. Let’s see how can she you.”
16. At the end of our conversation, Tom said, “You made my day. It’s so stupid that they taught international students how to make small talk. If everybody is the same, what’s the point of brining in diversity? Please continue to be who you are.”
17. The third story is about Matthew. It was almost midnight, we were chit chatting over WhatsApp. I asked “So, what are you trying to achieve today and how can I help you?”
18. He didn’t reply for quite a while. I started to worry whether it was too much for midnight. When he got back to me. I was shocked. He said, “I feel so disappointed about myself. I want to be a better person. And you can help me in a lot of ways.”
19. We got to very deep. At the end, he said, “Thank you for waking me up.” The next day, I made a joke, “Hey just curious about the effective duration. Do you still feel the inspiration after 12 hours?” He said, “It will be effective for 12 years.”
20. I understand this is tricky. There are culture differences. But what I learned is, the need to be cared about, to feel connected, is beyond culture, and is shared by all human beings.
21. Earlier this year, we lost one of our classmates. He and I graduated from the same high school. It was very sad.
22. After that, I have been asking myself, what can I do? At some points of our lives, we all have felt alone, felt helpless, felt no one has time to care, or understand us. What if our community can be warmer and inclusive? What if everybody cares a little more about others, and shows it? What if everyone have deeper connections with the person on your left, and on your right? How many wonderful stories are waiting to be written?
23. We are here for only 2 years. Let’s talk about sth real. Let’s step out of our way to help each other and build deeper connections. And how to do that? It may be different for everybody. For me, it starts from the big, deep, awkward question. Thank you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0V2VQZWWdY
Transcript as below:
1. Let me ask 2 questions: Who here genuinely enjoy small talk? Please raise your hand. Who here is like me: sometimes not sure what should come after small talk?
2. Today my topic is about: what could happen after small talk
3. When I arrived at Booth, I was taught how to make small talk. They say people ask “how are you doing”, they expect a 10 second answer. They say when you don’t know what to talk about, talk about the weather. I worked hard and almost become a weather expert.
4. But recently, I feel there’s sth wrong. I feel sad that I still only know my classmates career goal, what classes they take, and what they’ll do in spring break. I want to know more about my classmates and have deeper connections.
5. Gradually, I became sick of small talk. So, very often, I just don’t talk.
6. That was until in Entrepreneurial Selling class, when Prof Craig Wortmann said, “What questions you ask define the outcome you’ll achieve.” I was inspired: if I don’t like the conversations I have, why not initiate a change myself?
7. So, after brief small talks, I started to ask a big, awkward question. What follows simply blew me away. I gained amazing conversations and friends, though at the cost of being weird. My friends said, no worries Gloria, you already has this reputation.
8. So what the heck is this question? The question is: What are you trying to achieve today and how can I help you? Today I want to share with you three stories.
9. The first story is about Susan. We met on metra, knew we are both first years, so said hi and sat together. After this question, she was interested and overwhelmed. After a while Susan said, “I am trying to relax.”
10. Did Susan mean, “Leave me alone, I don’t want to talk to you?” I didn’t know. Right at that moment, whatever Susan needs, I just want to help her.
11. I said, “Got you. But let me guess, you are actually not trying to relax. You are trying to get a job. You are trying to relax now because you want to be better at getting a job.” Susan said, “Wholly shit! You are dame right.” Then, I shared how I manage stress: instead of doing nothing, more effective way is to concentrate on sth else. For me it’s writing blogs. And I shared how blogging got me into Booth and got me an internship offer. Susan said, “Fascinating story! Fascinating question! We should do it more!”
12. The second story is about Tom. I met Tom early in the morning when we came out of the interview center. Then I went to the café by myself.
13. Half an hour later, I was eating a banana catching up on email when Tom entered the café. We saw each other. He then came over and sat down with me. We’ve done with our small talk. I felt in the air that we were both thinking about what to talk about. So, I broke the ice by asking that question.
14. His said, “Hum, interesting question.” I know, interesting in America is usually negative. But I didn’t care at that moment. I just wanted to help my classmate. And he said this afternoon he was interviewing with his dream company ABC, and I can help by commenting on his “Why company”. We did. It was constructive.
15. After that, Tom said, it’s your turn now. I said, this afternoon I am also interviewing with my dream Company XYZ.” I haven’t finished yet, Tom said, “Really? My fiancé worked there. Let’s see how can she you.”
16. At the end of our conversation, Tom said, “You made my day. It’s so stupid that they taught international students how to make small talk. If everybody is the same, what’s the point of brining in diversity? Please continue to be who you are.”
17. The third story is about Matthew. It was almost midnight, we were chit chatting over WhatsApp. I asked “So, what are you trying to achieve today and how can I help you?”
18. He didn’t reply for quite a while. I started to worry whether it was too much for midnight. When he got back to me. I was shocked. He said, “I feel so disappointed about myself. I want to be a better person. And you can help me in a lot of ways.”
19. We got to very deep. At the end, he said, “Thank you for waking me up.” The next day, I made a joke, “Hey just curious about the effective duration. Do you still feel the inspiration after 12 hours?” He said, “It will be effective for 12 years.”
20. I understand this is tricky. There are culture differences. But what I learned is, the need to be cared about, to feel connected, is beyond culture, and is shared by all human beings.
21. Earlier this year, we lost one of our classmates. He and I graduated from the same high school. It was very sad.
22. After that, I have been asking myself, what can I do? At some points of our lives, we all have felt alone, felt helpless, felt no one has time to care, or understand us. What if our community can be warmer and inclusive? What if everybody cares a little more about others, and shows it? What if everyone have deeper connections with the person on your left, and on your right? How many wonderful stories are waiting to be written?
23. We are here for only 2 years. Let’s talk about sth real. Let’s step out of our way to help each other and build deeper connections. And how to do that? It may be different for everybody. For me, it starts from the big, deep, awkward question. Thank you.
Good story. And I am touched by your BIG question.
ReplyDeleteMost people wouldnt come up with this kind of big question ,since they are afraid of the troubles - to get themselves involved into the endless talks.
And the question itself is subtly excellent since it reminds the audience of sth really important to them at the first hearing - most people would omit the achievement they would want to achieve. Then it provides with itself a helping hand ,to co work to solve the problem.
So very good question indeed!